Uncomfortable Conversations: How do you get your grown child to move out?

This topic may be a bit controversial as I know there is not a one-size-fits-all when it comes to this subject.

For some families, adult children and parents happily live together under one roof. That can be for a multitude of reasons, including cultural expectations, financial necessity, caretaking for the adult child or parent, or just because the parents and adult kids enjoy living together.

But for other families, the parents are ready for their grown children to leave the nest – and there's a failure to launch.

Welcome back to Uncomfortable Conversations About Money, a recurring series where we will tackle challenging topics or situations around money that make you uneasy. We'll outline the problem and try to get you some usable solutions.

What do you do when you have a failure to launch child?

The dilemma: The stories from exasperated parents are often front and center in social media groups: They have adult children with good-paying jobs or who are capable of working, but won’t move out on their own. 

One woman’s 32-year-old son has a good-paying job but refuses to contribute to the mortgage, utilities, or grocery costs. He orders food delivery to the house – for himself – but otherwise, when he’s home, he’s playing video games. 

Another woman was lamenting that her two grown kids, ages 26 and 24, were both at home and “contribute absolutely nothing to the household.” The son has two jobs and will put out the garbage and recycling, but that’s it. Meanwhile, the 24-year-old had a 30-year-old boyfriend, who slept over three to four nights a week – in the parents’ basement. 

Other parents advise evicting the kids or more gently setting deadlines – and charging rent – to get the kids to move out. 

What's a parent to do? How do you broach the subject? Or what's the next step when the requests to move out don't work?

The expert's take: assess the reasons why adult children won't move out

The expert's advice: My expert this month is Christine Hargrove, a financial therapist and researcher working with the Love & Money Center at the University of Georgia, and a board member of the Financial Therapy Association.

Hargrove said it's important first for the parent to understand the broader issue of why the adult child may not feel ready, or want, to move out. Do they feel financially stable? What would have to happen to make them feel financially prepared?

If the parent or parents have already had an unproductive conversation – perhaps multiple times – dissect how it went, said Hargrove.

"Try to remember back, what was said, how it was said, how it was handled, and then what happened after that," she said.

Be transparent about your finances and 'adulting'

Hargrove encourages parents to talk transparently about their own finances with their children, starting in their teen years and into adulthood. Share when financial decisions you made maybe didn't work, so the kids know there can be ups and downs and not everything is "perfect," she said.

"Instead of saying 'Here's how you need to do your finances and you need to be an adult,' now you can say, 'I'd like to talk to you about how I do finances and how I do adulting.'"

Parents can feel guilty about asking kids to move out

There are also a lot of emotions on both sides, said Hargrove.

The parent may be thinking: "What kind of mom am I that I'm kicking my kid out? I always said I'd be a safe place for them...and now I'm telling them they have to leave," she said.

Also, parents should look for signs of depression or anxiety, which could be reasons why someone is not ready to leave home, and if necessary, get some professional assistance, she said.

How to broach the conversation of moving out

If there is not an underlying mental health explanation for why a child is not ready to move out, then parents should plan for the serious conversation, Hargrove said.

Consider if there are reasons that are holding the child back – and if there's anything you can do to help guide them through that – and assess the adult child's finances. Can they afford to move out? Do they have enough money for move-in costs for an apartment, a good enough credit score and the means to pay the rent and other expenses?

When you're ready, broach the subject – but not in a moment of anger or frustration, Hargrove said.

It's good to wait until you can initiate some hard discussions and handle your own emotions as the parent, she said.

It's also good to give the adult child a heads-up, Hargrove said, such as "Hey, I'd like to talk to you about something... how long do you think you're expecting that you're going to continue living at home? What do you think about next Sunday night? Could we just sit down? I have some thoughts and I really want to know your thoughts."

Hargrove said she advocates for telling the grown child the topic ahead of time because too often, when someone hears someone wants to talk to them about something "important," our brains tend to think of worst-case scenarios like someone has a bad medical diagnosis.

Should you set deadlines?

Don't say right away that it's time to move out, said Hargrove.

Start with questions about how the adult child sees their future, she said: What are the strengths you think you have as you move forward? What are the barriers you're experiencing?

You may find out that your child doesn't know how to put together a budget, so you can help.

Talk to your child about his or her hopes and dreams and how you can help them get there, Hargrove said.

If you do set a deadline for the child to move out or deadlines to reach a goal toward moving out, then you've got to be willing to follow through, Hargrove said.

"The trick with deadlines is if you have a deadline and you don't stick to it, then it's something that you really can't use anymore," she said.

Setting target dates might be a better way to give some flexibility, she said. If the goal is to have the child move into an apartment by the first of the month in the future, schedule follow-up conversations and check-ins to make sure the child is moving toward that goal.

Drawing up either a verbal or written contract of expectations while the adult child is still in the house is a good idea, said Hargrove.

What do you do when the child just won't move out?

Some parents on social media have suggested parents set a deadline and evict the "child." Should or would parents really do that?

Hargrove said it's different for every scenario, but "I would say it's not off the table. I don't think I could make a one-size-fits-all (piece of advice) and say that should never be a step you take. It may be what needs to happen for a variety of reasons."

"Sometimes it can be healthy to set some very firm boundaries and to follow through on the boundaries without necessarily engaging in blame or estrangement," she said.

If a situation gets to that point, however, Hargrove said it's probably time to bring someone else in to walk with you. That can be a trusted friend, partner, or therapist.

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Help your adult child dream about their future

Hargrove said there are a lot of positive ways parents can encourage their adult children to feel confident in their ability to launch.

She encourages parents to dream with their grown children "not necessarily about what career they'll have or how they'll make so much money, but about the meaning and purpose that they can have about the way that they can interact with the world."

You can say things like: "Someday, when you're on your own and you will – fill in the blank – I hope that you will feel happy, that you'll feel connected, that you'll feel involved, that you'll be able to pursue the hobbies that you want to pursue," Hargrove said.

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Betty Lin-Fisher is a consumer reporter for USA TODAY. Reach her at [email protected] or follow her on X, Facebook or Instagram @blinfisher. Sign up for our free The Daily Money newsletter, which will include consumer news on Fridays, here.